You are loved and appreciated just as you are
This month I'm learning how to focus on the people that really matter in my life
Every so often I find myself thinking “Why did I ever stop masking? Life was so much easier when I used to pretend to be fine so I could just get on with things”
It’s amazing how for a few seconds I can completely forget that I didn’t choose to stop masking to the level I used to be able to. I somehow briefly forget that my health collapsed, I was really poorly for a good few months and have lived with chronic health issues for the six and a half years since. And that even if I really wanted to, I no longer have the capacity to mask and cope in the way I used to.
When I have these moments, it’s a reminder that it’s very understandable I’ve struggled so often these past few years with feeling like I’m not good enough and that I’m constantly letting people down. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly making excuses for why I can’t do things the way I used to but I also can’t change my life back to the way it was before.
My husband has had chronic health issues longer than me, and I used to get frustrated that he wouldn’t tell me how bad things were so I could better support him. But I get it now. With chronic illness you very quickly get to the point where you don’t want to be constantly giving updates on how you’re feeling. Part of it is that you just get used to the limitations and the discomfort of it all… it’s not pleasant, but it also stops feeling notable and significant because it has become a regular part your everyday life.
Alongside that it is the awareness there are some people in your life that just don’t get it. That don’t get why you can’t just suck it up and get on with things. That think that if you just tried a bit harder and did things a bit differently that your chronic symptoms would magically go away. That they want the old you back, and the you who is trying to muddle through life with chronic illness is far too inconvenient. It’s easier to blame the person with chronic illness for the way their life is, than to accept there are so many different things that could lead to anyone becoming ill and disabled at any time and no longer having the capacity to get on with life and work the way they are used to. Having someone in your life who’s become chronically ill or disabled is a crappy reminder that there are things beyond our control and sometimes life just sucks. When you know someone might respond negatively to you sharing how your chronic condition is affecting your life, you don’t want to tell them how you’re feeling and have to waste your energy on their unsupportive response and having to argue for your reality.
The irony for me in all of this is that I was so caught up in self-development and toxic positivity, which encouraged me to ignore and suppress the warning signs, that it contributed to the chronic illness I live with now. Literally trying to suck it up and get on with things is part of what led me to being so ill in the first place! Following advice on how to take control of the crappy stuff and make it better actually made it a whole lot worse! (Sidenote - it’s very important for me to remember I didn’t bring this on myself, as the major part of me getting ill was due to the impact of other people’s shitty actions, it’s just that my way of navigating and surviving being in those situations didn’t help.)
And that’s part of why I’m doing what I’m doing this year. Learning to be a better friend to myself, so I can better focus on the people in my life who love and appreciate me just as I am, rather than wasting energy on trying to mask and appear better than I am for the people in my life who blame me for the challenges I face.
There are people in my life who get it - and even if they don’t properly get it - they can weather the unpredictability that comes with my friendship without making me feel crap about it. I feel very lucky to have a handful of people who I know I can be myself with, who I know don’t blame me for what I’ve gone through and where I’m at now and who love and appreciate me for being me regardless of it all. I feel like if I could better focus on those people, and not care so much about what anyone else thinks, I could be more accepting of myself - and I could back myself and the things I want to do with my art so much better!
When I think about my closest friends I accept them for who they are, imperfections and all. We all have bits of ourselves that can be infuriating to others at times, but that’s just part of being human. They are our quirks - the bits that can frustrate us, but they’re also the bits that we laugh about together. Someone’s tendency for always being late or always forgetting where they put their phone (guilty as charged) or whatever it is that they always do. But noticing those quirks and imperfections never comes with a desire for them to change themselves. It’s just part of who they are. Part of friendship - part of all our close relationships - is us accepting each other for our better and our worse… and also in sickness and in health!
I want to get to the point where I really know in myself that I have people in my life that do love and accept me just as I am. With my flaws. With my chronic health issues. With all the different bits that make me who I am.
Although March is all about reminding myself “you are loved and appreciated just as you are” I’m not expecting I can properly feel it in just a few weeks. But alongside the past couple of months of “what would you say to a friend?” and “it’s okay to feel whatever you are feeling” it seems a good foundation to build on as the year progresses. If I can learn to catch myself when I’m questioning myself or being critical of myself, and remind myself that I am loved and appreciated just as I am - even if I don’t believe it in that moment - that will feel like a win.
If I’m going to eventually learn to believe that I am loved and appreciated just as I am, part of that is not denying that there are people in life who won’t understand me or won’t like me. No one is everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay. However, I know our brains are very good at amplifying the negatives and letting them take over. So it is really important to build that muscle of being able to recognise I am loved and appreciated just as I am by the people that really matter.
did an excellent podcast episode back in February about loving yourself, where she talked about how what we focus on can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, so it’s better to choose to focus on the positives not the negatives. She talked about taking compliments as a gift and choosing to believe them, recognising that someone has gone to the effort of giving you the gift of a compliment. And asking yourself “why would someone go out of their way to compliment you if it wasn’t true?”Another brilliant point Michelle made was instead of asking yourself if something that’s been said about you is true or false, ask yourself if the thing that’s been said is useful or not useful to you. It feels like such a good way to filter negative comments and criticism, recognising if they are things you could actually learn from and things to just be ignored. It also feels like a really good self-practice to filter your internal critical thoughts about yourself so you can recognise where those thoughts aren’t helpful and not let them derail you.
If you are also trying to be a better friend to yourself I do really recommend checking out that podcast episode!
I also read a brilliant insta post from safe.journal that said “My therapist told me whenever someone treats you unkindly, respond by doing something compassionate for yourself. This reinforces your value when others fail to recognize it, and it’s a deeply empowering way to practice self-love.”
And this quote from Caroline Caldwell which is a really good reminder of how much we are conditioned into self-doubt and feeling like we need to keep improving ourselves to be better…
It is okay to recognise we are loved and appreciated just as we are, and it is okay to love and appreciate ourselves just as we are. And doing that within our culture can be really challenging. We don’t need to beat ourselves up for finding it hard to do and we can feel proud of ourselves for trying!
From all of these thoughts I have a few things I’d like to try doing this month…
Regularly reminding myself that I am loved and appreciated just as I am
Treating any compliments I get as thoughtful gifts and choosing to believe them
When I have negative thoughts about myself asking myself is this thought useful or not useful
And if anyone is unkind to me doing something to be kind to myself in response
(I already shared that last one with my daughter as she’s getting to that age where some kids are getting meaner and I think this might help a little with navigating all of that!)
If your resonated with any of this I’d love to chat to you about it in the comments… and don’t forget to subscribe so you find out how I got on with it all at the end of the month!
There’s lots more I want to explore around recognising I’m loved and appreciated, the challenges around being misunderstood and also thinking about how all of this relates to our relationships with others and being in community, so at some point I want to write more exploring all of that. However for now I think I have plenty to be getting on with!
Bringing it back to the here and now
Every month to go alongside my theme I’m creating a design centred around the birthstone for that month, and in March is is Aquamarine. Aquamarine represents clarity, is said to soothe anxiety and help us in accepting the here and now. It seems like a good fit for recognising we are loved and appreciated just as we are right now and reminding us to see that in our lives in the moment.
If you fancy surrounding yourself with reminders to be a better friend to yourself I’ll be sharing the printable art illustration and phone/tablet/laptop backgrounds with paid subscribers tomorrow - my monthly thank you to those of you who are able to give a little financial support towards my creative adventures!
My favourite colour
Although I like being a May baby I kinda wish I’d been born in March because aquamarine is my favourite colour! So I’ve really loved creating a pattern collection that embraces all the bluey greens from teal to mint!
If you love this colour as much as I do, or want to gift something to someone you love who has their birthday this month, you can find my Aquamarine collection available as fabric and home decor in my Spoonflower shop.
Do you recognise how loved and appreciated you are in your life? Or like me do you find it hard to accept and all to easy to get distracted by feeling not good enough? I’d love to chat about how you find it all so please do share your thoughts on this post in the comments!
In addition to the paid subscriber goodies tomorrow I’ll be back later in the month to share how I’ve got on with reminding myself you are loved and accepted just as you are!
Until then take care and try to be a good friend to yourself…
hi, helen, thanks for writing this post :) especially the first part.. is for sure something i needed to hear today, feels very validating :) (its been a really hard weekend... ehm or few past weeks..? months..? ...navigating my adhd, so i can very much relate). i still have a long way to go with feeling good enough, but knowing im not alone helps with that! (ill for sure try the tip with being extra nice to myself when others arent :)) have a great day <3