None of us have a right to perfectionism
A month of recognising how far I've come, trusting things can get better and reflecting on how dismantling our own perfectionism is activism in itself
It’s no surprise that I reached the end of May still firmly in the recovering perfectionist zone… it feels like it’s been more of a month of recognising how far I’ve come, where in life I have let go of many of my perfectionist tendencies and a lot of the guilt, and where it’s still a challenge for me.
I’ve been noticing where the combination of perfectionism and ADHD can make it really hard for me to actually get on and do things… and writing this post is one of them. I was intending to make a start on Monday, but it just felt too overwhelming to get it “right” that I didn’t do any of it.
Yesterday, to get myself writing, I asked myself what rules I had around getting it “right” that were stopping me from getting on with it. Funnily enough I didn’t follow through with giving myself an answer, it seemed the question itself (well that and promising myself whatever I wrote would be good enough) was enough to get me unstuck and get me writing - even if the whole process of getting this post written and published still feels a bit challenging.
Sometimes it can feel hard to unpick which aspects of “perfectionism” are coming from the way my neurodivergent brain works, and which bits are related to conditioning and trauma.
I can see that some of what I class as perfectionism is actually just my brain struggling with uncertainty. To get on with things I need to have a good idea of what the end goal is and why I want to get there, even if I’m the one setting those goals & expectations for myself. However, without an understandable and realistic milestone to head towards, my brain sometimes fills in the blanks with a perfect idea of what the outcome could be, but as that feels unachievable and I can’t see a route to get to that outcome, so it just leaves me stuck doing nothing.
In those situations the ‘procrastination’ due to ‘perfectionism’ is just a symptom of the underlying issue. The solution isn’t to fix the perfectionism, it’s just to recognise I’m missing a clear and achievable goal.
Another side of my issues with perfectionism is when I tell myself that, as I have this understanding of how my brain works and what helps avoid it getting trapped by one aspect of perfectionism, I have no excuse not to take that approach perfectly every time. I’m pretty sure that side of my perfectionism, that demands once I understand how to do something “right” that I do it “right” every time, comes from conditioning and trauma, and is something I can eventually unlearn.
That side of my perfectionism is so easy to get tangled up with and lost in. I use the measure of “perfect” as a level I have to reach before I’m allowed to do or say certain things. On top of that I seem to have an internal scorecard that resets every day, which demands me to be constantly doing my best and show up perfectly in every moment.
I am gradually getting better at noticing when I’m doing this, and giving myself more compassion and permission to be imperfect. It’s incredibly challenging as the perfectionist tendencies within me will use those moments to double down, telling me I’m just making excuses.
I have so much compassion for the humanity of others, and accept that their moments of hypocrisy and dissonance don’t make them a bad person, they just make them human. But I am awful for dehumanising myself and constantly feeling like a failure, because I can never win at perfectionism because it doesn’t exist.
Breaking free of perfectionism can be exhausting, and at times I feel like I’m getting nowhere with trying. However, if I stop and reflect I can see just how far I’ve come in the past 15 years.
When I first worked for myself, perfectionism had such a tight grip on me that I believed if I had time to do something for myself then I should actually use that time to go the extra mile for a client. I very quickly ended up working seven days a week, with work eclipsing much of the rest of my life, because I never reached the point where I had done enough to earn a break. I didn’t feel like I could say no to things, and my time to have fun and relax was a reward for completing things I’d promised to do for others. However, there was no finish line because there was ALWAYS another thing on the list. And if I did dare to stop and enjoy myself there’d be a constant aura of guilt in the background. It was exhausting and eventually led to a period of chronic migraines, which was literally the only thing that gave me reason to stop working quite so much, and was the start of learning breaks were essential not optional.
Thankfully I don’t recognise that version of myself anymore. I keep getting better at recognising where I need to say “no” and I actually know it’s okay to take a break and do fun things, without it being an internal battle every time. Reflecting on how far I’ve already come makes me even more determined to keep practicing allowing myself to be an imperfect and messy human. I spent far too many years trying to self-develop my way to perfect, and that contributed to the chronic health issues I live with now.
On some level I do know that I deserve to give myself the same compassion, understanding and grace as I give to others. I fight back against the dehumanisation of others, and yet constantly dehumanise myself. I need to zoom out from my questionable moments and see them in the context of all the decisions and choices I make, knowing that while often I live my life doing my best, I’m allowed to have my off moments and off days, just like everyone else.
I am allowed to live my life without feeling like I’ve failed every time I can’t meet my own impossible expectations.
I’ve come so far with all of this, especially in the past six years. Despite how exhausting it is to keep challenging myself to override the perfectionist narratives in my mind, I am already living the benefits of persevering with it so far. Hopefully in another 15 years - or maybe less - I won’t recognise this version of myself because the idea of being so tangled up in perfectionism will feel so alien to me. That’s the dream!
Going back to my previous post, I’ve also been reflecting on perfectionism being a distraction, and how that is connected to some of the awful things happening in the world right now. Our capitalist society has been teaching us that we have a right to demand perfection from others and to feel let down when we don’t get it, and we fail to see how that contributes to our own dehumanization.
I feel like we’ve normalised perfectionism so much that we forget to give people room to be human. We forget that no one can know everything, we all make mistakes and we’re all learning all the time. And that as everyone has a different idea of perfection, with many contradictions, none of us can ever do anything but fail at it.
One of the messy uncomfortable things about navigating life as someone who wants the world to be a better place is asking how do we make space for imperfect flawed humans, without condoning unacceptable behaviour? How do we encourage people to do enough in their lives to help make things better for everyone, without having such high expectations that they get put off doing anything at all?
What I try to aim for with my own activism is challenging myself to make choices and take action that can feel uncomfortable, while also respecting my capacity so I can sustain the choices and action I take. I also try to recognise my capacity will vary and that affects what my activism looks like, sometimes it’s a season of more challenging activism, and sometimes it’s the stuff I find easier. The most important thing is that I’m doing something.
Our individual actions might feel insignificant, but when a lot of people take the same ‘insignificant’ action then it can create change. Actions like boycotting (e.g. lots of people stopping buying their coffee from a particular chain or cancelling their membership of a TV service in a short period of time) that have an immediate - and potential longer-term - impact on a business or organisation can force them to make different & better decisions. Sometimes it’s many of us writing to our MPs about the same issue at the same time, so they can represent our views - or at least understand the issues important to the people who could potentially vote for them in the next election. It can also be a group of people who have all been harmed in the same way taking the people responsible to court to try and stop them harming others going forward. Collective action works, but it depends on lots of people knowing it’s worth taking small individual actions, and worth taking the risk that others will do the same, so that all those small actions together become more meaningful.
Perfectionism kills collectivism. If we start trying to gatekeep who can participate in activism then we lose people along the way. Frustration and anger with those who have taken a long time to understand why change is needed, and engage in activism to help make it happen, are absolutely valid, yet the more people participating in activism, the more momentum can be built. It is so important to remember that all of us have areas of life we understand more about and others we aren’t aware of at all, and that people are going to discover different issues with the world at different points in their lives. We have to accept that everyone, including ourselves, gets to a point where they know more about a certain issues and therefore can do better going forward.
If we demand people have to have always shown up perfectly in the past, or have to be a perfect activist in other ways, then we severely limit who is allowed to get involved. It can often feel impossible to meet the high standards that many people demand. It’s so quick and easy these days to be able to tell someone that what they are doing isn’t enough. There’s such a culture on social media of pointing out where someone isn’t doing something perfectly and questioning why, as they haven’t done it perfectly, did they even bother doing anything at all.
I know my fear of getting that response has stopped me doing a lot of things, and it’s one of the main reasons I chose to take this approach to my Substack this year. I wanted to show myself that it is okay to do something in the way I want to do it, and know whatever I do with it is good enough, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it.
Trying to do something, especially if you’re doing it in a way that is open to being judged by others, can lead to a lot of feelings of shame and guilt around whatever you’ve done not being enough. It makes something that can already be challenging even harder, and that stops a hell of a lot of people from even trying. It stops people from speaking out about injustice and has played a part in things getting as bad as they are in the world today.
As I said in my earlier May post, I do believe that our own individual issues with perfectionism feed into the bigger problems we face in the world. Perfectionism does distract us from enjoying our lives and making the world a better place, so dismantling our own perfectionist tendencies is good for everyone.
As with everything there’s always more nuance.
There are things I have labeled as ‘perfectionism’ in the past, which are actually to do with how my neurodivergent brain works. I will continue to recognise those, and learn how to better work with them, rather than trying to change or ‘fix’ them.
There are also things that other people label as being a ‘perfectionist’ which are actually valid or needed. We all have to make our own judgments about whether we’re trying to do something more perfectly than it actually needs to be done, or whether that extra bit of effort or refinement is actually worthwhile.
There are people, for example aircraft engineers, who actually need to use perfectionistic tendencies to do their jobs to a standard that keeps people safe. I wouldn’t suggest any of them stop demanding that every single safety check is passed perfectly!
As with everything in life - context matters.
We can ask ourselves… Is this perfectionist tendency helping me or harming me? Is it stopping me doing the things I want to do in life? Is it isolating me from others? Is the effort of changing it going to be worth the benefit I get on the other side?
And with it all accepting that any attempts to override perfectionism are going to always be imperfect, and knowing that is okay. Giving ourselves - and others - the space to be human, and knowing that getting it wrong isn’t the end of the world… in fact being more accepting of imperfections in ourselves and others could make the world a much better place!
As you can probably tell Perfection is a Distraction is a big topic for me… and to think I started this month questioning why I’d chosen it as one of my themes! I think it might actually be one of the most important parts of learning to be a better friend to myself this year. In fact I’ve already been thinking about what creative project I want to set myself for 2026 and I think this theme might form a chunky part of it!
I’ll be back soon to share the June goodies for paid subscribers, and I’m aiming to get my post all about our June theme out later this week. Also, if you’re new to my posts, then it’s never to late to get hold of the January goodies that everyone can download for free!
If you’ve related to anything in this post or have been trying to remind yourself that “perfectionism is a distraction” over the past few weeks I’d love to chat to you about it in the comments. I love talking with others about all of this so do let me know if you’re following along and finding anything helpful in what I’m sharing.
Until next time take care and be kind to yourself…
This was another beautiful read Thank you for sharing your journey!
As for me, I have given myself two writing prompts from this and another point to ponder:
1. What rules do I have around getting things “right”?
2. What behaviours and beliefs do I exhibit when I’m not certain I am doing things “right”?
And lastly I felt really compelled by your observation that “perfectionism kills collectivism.” It’s a tricky one that, as a high school teacher, I certainly see with younger people as they navigate the world in much more absolutes. I don’t think I’m there in how I judge/perceive others (particularly because I have such a varied group of friends and family who have very disparate views on everything from politics to creativity - not that the two aren’t inextricably linked) but I know I can often be reluctant to be too bold in my agreement or opposition to something for fear of how others may judge/perceive me.