It’s not about not giving a shit at all, it’s about knowing where to give a shit
A month of taking another step away from unnecessary people pleasing
Earlier this month I was reflecting on the impact this series of posts is having in my life. In some ways it feels very minimal. I’m thinking a lot about the focus of each month during the week I write and edit my posts, but the rest of the month I sometimes forget about my theme for days on end. That has made me wonder whether I’m “doing it properly” (even though it’s a project I made up for myself!!!) I find myself asking myself ‘it is all worth it? Is it actually making any difference in my life?’
However, something I also found with therapy, is that I don’t have to be constantly conscious of something for it to make a difference. There’s the times I’m actively thinking about and exploring something, and then there’s a big chunk of time where my subconscious is absorbing it all and making shifts to accommodate it. I always find therapy works best for me when I have at least two weeks between sessions to let stuff sink in before going any further. Although I didn’t consider that at all before I started this project, I have realised the way I set it up, and the way I am working my way through it, actually works very well with how I process this kind of stuff in general.
Throughout June and into early July I started to realise there must have been a fair bit of subconscious internal rearranging going on, because there were some really challenging emotional moments. These tend to feel like an internal argument, where part of me is fighting to do things the way we’ve always done because that keeps me “safe” and the other part of me has realised that there’s some really solid reasons for actually doing things differently going forward.
In the past, when I’ve had an inkling that maybe I could be a better friend to myself by doing things differently, those ideas have been swiftly shut down by overwhelming guilt, shame and other similar feelings. This time, approaching it very gently by only trying to do one or two small things a month, seems to be subtle enough that I can deal with those kind of emotions before they stop me in my tracks. Approaching this in a way that feels very minimal, and on the surface can look unimpactful, seems to be the reason that I am finally making progress towards thinking and acting in the ways I actually want to.
For example, worrying less about what people think of me. Over the past few years I’ve learned, explored and understood so much about where to give a shit and where not to… in theory. It’s been impossible to put it into practice. I know one of the big barriers is what my cptsd considers “safe”, and that can shut down my attempts to behave differently, however much I want to.
Over the past few months it has been sinking in (in a way that my nervous system is beginning to recognise) that the people that care about me the most generally don’t feel disappointed, confused or uncomfortable with who I am or whatever side of me they get on a particular day. It sounds so obvious, but something I’ve found impossible to trust is that I don’t need to keep every single person in this world happy. That I can survive disappointing and confusing people, and making them uncomfortable. Through these past few months I am starting to make the distinction between where I need to care less, and let people have their feelings, and it does feel good.
Alongside the feeling good bit there are a lot of challenging moments. There’s plenty of tears and a good dose of frustration. However subtle the changes seem from the outside, it isn’t easy seeing them through, but it does feel worth it. There have been plenty of internal battles this past few months, but now it feels like the part of me that wants to be a better friend to myself is winning a lot more of them!
This month was about knowing there’s space for me in this world just as I am. It’s something I’m so passionate about because, I believe, if more of us recognised that our different experiences could coexist, without invalidating each other, the world would be a much better place. I feel like we could all do with a regular reminder that someone having a different experience doesn’t invalidate our experience, and that we don’t need everyone else to experience something in the same way we do for it to be true for us. We are all unique humans experiencing a unique set of circumstances, and so it is impossible for us to all be doing the same things in the same way and having the same feelings about them. An experience doesn’t have to be universal to be true. We can recognise there is a spectrum of experiences and a ton of nuance in the humanity of it all.
We can have different experiences in every aspect of our lives… whether that’s how we work, how we rest, what causes us pain and what brings us joy. Experiences of chronic illness, neurodivergence, trauma. Our experiences of how we live, how we work, how we parent - the list goes on and on and on.
I feel like in the current climate it’s incredibly important that I add the disclaimer that when I’m talking about their being space for all our experiences, that doesn’t include weaponising our feelings or experiences in a way that causes harm to others.
For example, our individual experiences of our personal sexuality and gender are going to be very varied, and there is space in this world for all those experiences to coexist.
However, an experience of ‘fearing trans women’, which has been fuelled by the lies in transphobic propaganda, and causes very real harm to trans people, isn’t something that is merely ‘opinion’ or up for debate. If your experiences and feelings stem from a false assumption that everyone within a particular group of people could cause you harm, and expressing your feelings contributes to the real life harm that group of people actually experience, then the space for you to express those feelings isn’t in public.
We all need to do better at recognising sometimes, while the emotions related to our fears are very real, the thing we’re afraid of isn’t real. Sometimes our perception of a situation is off, especially when it’s triggering a trauma response, and we’re making assumptions about what’s going on through a distorted lens of harm we’ve experienced in the past. I know when my cptsd is triggered I can jump to conclusions and spiral purely because my brain has made some huge leaps to connect what is happening in the moment to a traumatic experience from that past. While I can’t control being triggered in the moment, with the support of therapy, I’ve learned over time to recognise that I am triggered, and every time it happens I get a little better at reconnecting with current reality and checking whether what I’m reacting to is in the here and now.
Social media, traditional media and governments have all contributed to creating a false narrative that trans women pose a harm to society. The reality is - based on data - that is just not true. As with any population, that shares a characteristic, there will be people within it who are harmful, but we shouldn’t be making laws or doing anything else that harms EVERYONE who has that characteristic in common. Every single one of us has a common characteristic with someone who has committed a violent crime, whether that’s our gender, the colour of our skin, our sexuality and so much more. It would be ridiculous to assume we’re all capable of those violent crimes just because of our shared characteristics.
Yet that’s the narrative that’s being spun about trans women - and it is ridiculous! It is a distraction as an attempt to get us to blame normal people for the challenges we face, when all they want is to be themselves and get on with their lives. The reality is most societal problems stem from the obscenely wealthy taking far more than their fair share out of our shared resources, while not paying fair taxes, which makes day-to-day life increasingly more challenging for the vast majority of us, alongside those with the most power in our society getting away with committing the crimes they accuse minorities of perpetrating.
Bringing it back to the main point…
There is always space for any emotions you have even if they stem from unfounded propaganda, because there’s always space for all our emotions. However, we have a responsibility to acknowledge our emotions and check if there’s actually any truth in them, before we start airing them in public. For example, following social accounts like deliciousalex can bring you back to the reality of who is ACTUALLY causing the most harm to kids and committing SA. Hint… it’s not trans people, drag queens or immigrants!
There being space for us in this world just as we are doesn’t mean we always have the right for that space to be public and loud. Sometimes, when our “truth” has the potential to cause harm to others, the space for it should be private, quiet and reflective… and goes hand in hand with recognising that while there is space just as we are right now, there is also plenty of space alongside it for us to change and do better in future.
Earlier this week kevinyeedotcom shared something on his instagram stories that felt very fitting as this month came to a close. He was talking about how he’d had messages from people who were annoyed he was sharing things that weren’t crochet related on his account. He shared his thoughts about wanting an audience who sees him as a whole person, and who are fine with him sharing different aspects of himself.
With July being all about there being space in the world for us just as we are it really got me thinking about how we are conditioned to censor ourselves to be acceptable to others. How we can be expected to put the wants, needs and comfort of others before ourselves. How we don’t question the ways we present ourselves so we can fit in, don’t cause a fuss and keep the peace. The question is who’s peace are we keeping?
On the other side of this is how we are conditioned to think we’re allowed to expect others to behave in a way that is acceptable to us. We can practice noticing where we are on autopilot with our expectations of others. Catching ourselves in the moment as it plays out, recognising if our expectation is actually unreasonable. Do we have the right to expect that of them? And reminding ourselves that there is space in the world for all of us just as we are, which can also go a long way in freeing ourselves from feeling we have to live up to the expectations of others too.
As with most things I chat about, it’s a subject with a ton of nuance around being respectful where it’s due (because we have also been conditioned to be respectful in ways that really aren’t deserved) and being ourselves in a way that doesn’t cause harm to others.
It’s not about not giving a shit at all, it’s about knowing where to give a shit. It’s about taking the space we need to be ourselves WHILE also respecting the right of others to take that space for themselves too. There isn’t a finite amount of space for expressing who we are and experiencing the things we’re going through, there really is enough space in the world for all of us just as we are.
And that’s where I’m at as we head out of July. I feel like the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion, so it’s kinda nice in an odd way that the juggle of school holidays and selling our house is keeping me so busy… it feels like I’m on an unavoidable break from too much introspection 😂
I’ll be back soon to share the August goodies for paid subscribers, and am planning to get my post about the August theme out next week. Also, if you’re new to my posts, then it’s never to late to get the goodies that everyone can download for free!
If you’ve related to anything in this post and have been trying to feel more okay in who you are, and where you’re at with life, I’d love to chat to you about it in the comments. I love talking with others about all of this so do let me know if you’re following along and finding anything helpful in what I’m sharing.
Until next time take care and be kind to yourself…
