Challenging my assumptions
A month of learning to stop jumping to conclusions about what I think you think I should be doing!
After avoiding viruses and bugs for the longest period in YEARS my luck ran out just after Easter. I started writing this post in a brief window where I thought I was on the mend, but then I ended up feeling worse, and didn’t get to finish it. When I came back to the saved doc to continue writing it was completely blank! Although I can’t remember what I wrote that first time I have the feeling it was largely an emotional dump written in the midst of brain fog, and I was expecting to rewrite most of it so I doesn’t feel like to much of a loss! So here we are again with take two…
Let’s kick off with a bit of time travel, going back a week or two and pretending it’s still the end of April as I reflect on a month of reminding myself that it is okay to do life your way
I knew going into this month I wasn’t going to magically become someone who no longer struggled with honouring my own feelings about my approach to life, however I did hope I’d take a step or two towards doing that more. On those terms I do feel like my focus in April was a success and a firm stepping stone towards being better at doing life my way.
I started the month with the intention of…
noticing where I censor myself and stop myself from doing things
asking myself ‘What would I do if I knew - beyond any doubt - that it was okay to do life my way?’
practicing Michelle Elman’s “How Dare You” method with my inner critic
(you can read more about why I chose this theme and the intentions I set for April in this post)
Within a few days I was noticing just how much my brain persuades me to do things because I think it’s what other people want me to do, whether that’s actually true or not.
Alongside that I noticed that I wasn’t the only one - a lot of other people do that too. So many of us have experienced trauma and crappy situations in our lives, and to protect ourselves going forward we jump to conclusions about the challenges we’re going to face from others in future. It’s understandable, especially with so many real threats to so many people these days, but this type of people pleasing to create safety can make it harder for us to be in relationships and community with the people who DO care. We’re projecting so much it can lead us to miss out on the support, acceptance and love we do have in our lives.
I am so aware that I do this with my husband, and that seemed like a good starting point for challenging myself to shift people-pleasing tendencies that have gone way beyond what I need to keep myself safe. Often I just have all these thoughts in my head and he has no idea of all the assumptions I am making every day. So I started telling him what I was assuming whenever I noticed I had a thought about what I think he thinks I “should” be doing.
Of course he wasn’t actually thinking any of the things I was telling myself. They were total fiction. He is far more supportive and compassionate towards me than the protective part of my brain likes to believe. And it feels ridiculous it’s taken me so long to get that through to myself, as I have nearly 15 years of evidence showing just how supportive he is!
By saying out loud what is whirring around in my brain my husband was able to confirm that is NOT what he is actually thinking. It was a really good first step in in showing my brain that we can let go of these assumptions when it comes to the people I love and trust, and as the month went on I have been able to start challenging those assumptions within myself without needing my husband to back me up.
Because of my past experiences I know it is completely understandable that I need reassurance and help to challenge some of the safety mechanisms my brain and nervous system have set up over the years. Specifically the ways of thinking that now cause more harm than help. However, I am hoping all the little shifts this year, especially what I’ve started in April, add up to me getting better at reassuring myself and learning to prioritise doing what feels right for me in the moment, not what I think someone else thinks I should do.
Or as
says so brilliantly learning to trust myself to “Dare to give a fuck while also giving no fucks”
(as a sidenote Amie is a big part of the reason I’m feeling brave enough to keep writing and sharing through the cringe this year… if you could do with some of that support with your writing & art too I really recommend following her on Substack, on insta and reading her new book - We need your Art)
As I leave April behind I’m making a promise to myself to keep noticing where I talk myself out of doing what I want to because I’ve told myself I “should” do something differently to keep someone else happy. And eventually maybe I’ll get better at asking myself ‘What would I do if I knew - beyond any doubt - that it is okay to do life my way?’ and actually honouring my answer to that!
So that is April wrapped up… and you’re now welcome to hop in your time machine and head back to May where I will hopefully meet you soon with a belated introduction to my May theme - Perfection is a Distraction
I’ve already shared the May goodies for paid subscribers over here… and if you’re new around these parts then it’s never to late to get hold of the January goodies that everyone can download for free!
If you’ve related to anything in this post or have been trying to reassure yourself “it is okay to do life your way” over the past few weeks I’d love to chat to you about it in the comments. I love talking with others about all of this so do let me know if you’re following along and finding anything helpful in what I’m sharing.
Until next time take care and be kind to yourself…
I love the “What would I do question” and I’ve popped it in my journal to mull over. The irony is that I do believe that things are going to end up ok. Almost 40 years of anecdotal evidence tells me that even if things don’t end up the way I wanted or expected them to, they still end up okay. Sometimes even better. So I love the idea of challenging myself with this question before I’m stressed or feel like I’m backed into a corner with a decision I don’t really want to make in the first place, but proactively. What is it that I want to do knowing - beyond any doubt - that it’s okay to do life my way?
I also love the idea of raising the narratives playing in my head rather than just letting them fester.
Another fabulous read! Thank you for sharing!